A particular ache comes from knowing you are not living in resonance with your worth. Not because you are failing but because the conditions around you made it unsafe to be your full self. The old survival patterns run deep: perfectionism, people-pleasing, shame spirals, and emotional numbing. But your self-worth isn’t lost. It is there, waiting to be remembered, awakened, and welcomed. Here’s how to build self-worth with 12 practices and a spell.
“To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth… is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent.” — Joan Didion, On Self-Respect
Self-worth, that slippery fish
You might think you have it, affirming your redeeming or even radiant qualities in the mirror alone at home, but it gets slippery when you do or say something “bad” or when you reach a new growth edge, say, sharing your gifts with the world. The fear of misspeaking, being inappropriate or wrong, or even being seen at all launches from the watery depths like an ancient Terrapin fish, disturbing the glassy surface waters. I’ve found that sharing your gifts requires calling back all the pieces of yourself that were taken or that you gave away.
Know thyself: self-worth is a sacred directive
“Know thyself” echoed through the temples of ancient Egypt, where initiates were taught that true knowledge of the self was the gateway to divine understanding. Self-worth, then, is not merely a personal milestone—it is a sacred remembrance. You are not just a self to be improved. You are a soul to be known.
How to build self-worth
You can achieve this not by pushing harder or proving yourself but by softening into the truth that you were always already enough. These are practices, invitations, and enchantments of returning to yourself.
1. Invite curiosity
Self-worth is dampened by a loud critic, where we shame and judge ourselves. Curiosity is one of the most potent disruptors of this insidious trait. When you find yourself spiraling, telling yourself stories about why someone hasn’t texted back or why you’re unqualified to speak, meet that inner critic with wonder and curiosity. Say to yourself: “Tell me more” or “Mmmm, where did that thought come from?” This cracks open the door to clarity and pattern recognition. Instead of collapsing into “I’m bad,” you begin to ask, “Where did this belief come from? And is it still serving me?”
2. Express yourself
Authentic expression heals what shame suppresses. Voice, art, ritual, movement, even a single sentence you speak out loud—it’s all part of reclaiming the fullness of who you are. Of course, expression may provoke reactions, and those responses can feel like threats. This is often when that slippery fish tries to dart away again.
3. Stop doing the work for other people
When you start expressing your truth, not everyone will respond in comfortable ways. Their discomfort doesn’t reflect your worth. Instead, it mirrors their unprocessed material, emotional maturity, opportunity for shadow work, and capacity for renegotiation. It is okay to let go of managing their reactions and stop doing the work for them. It is a gift to let them work with what is theirs.
4. Observe your activations
You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts. You are even the witness of the witness. Once you invite curiosity to your inner landscape, you now have spaciousness to observe your patterns, activations, and thoughts.
When I was developing a workshop on healing from harmful manifestation culture, I fell into a familiar spiral: “You don’t know enough. Other people are more qualified.” The deeper my research went, the more I started discounting my lived experience and expertise.
That spiral is a signal. Observe it. Track the story. Let awareness interrupt the pattern. Catch the fish by its tail before it slips back into the depths.
5. Create roadmaps for depatterning
Once you identify a negative subconscious pattern, you’re responsible for breaking it. Ask: “Where did this begin, and what is the pattern sequence?” Then ask: “How do I disrupt it?” I learned this process from Karna Liv Nau when we started noticing our activation loops.
For example, continuing my example above, as a designated scapegoat in my family system, being “right” or “bulletproof” became necessary for survival. My ideas were often dismissed or distorted, so I learned to double- and triple-check everything. Then I would experience so much overwhelm, fatigue, and tension that I’d completely abandon my project, writing, thought, or expression.
When you depattern, remember, “I am worth the discomfort I feel, and even others feel, when I break patterns that keep me small.”
6. Tend to your inner child
Soothing, validating, and differentiating stories for your inner child and adolescent is an essential process to ensure that an adult shows up when you work through self-worth obstacles. For example, perfectionism often begins as protection. My inner child learned it to reduce chaos and earn approval. When perfectionism shows up, I speak to those parts of myself directly: “Thank you for keeping me safe. I know you did what you had to do. But now, you are keeping me small. I release you, and I’ve got you. You can rest now.”
7. Rewild your animal self
Self-worth is not just a cognitive concept. It lives in your body. Let your nervous system unwind. Yawn. Stretch. Pee when you have to pee. Eat when you’re hungry. Listen deeply to your body. Your wildness is worthy. Explore Rewild Yourself by Ro Marlen.
“You only have to let the soft animal of your bodylove what it loves.” — Mary Oliver, Wild Geese
8. Grieve
When reclaiming self-worth, you may grieve the stories you learned about your worth and your assimilation. The ways you learned to self-betray, then made them second nature, are worthy of your grief. Feel it all so you can resurrect the pulse of joy as you catch that slippery fish of self-worth with your bare hands. Grief is a portal. Let it wash through and over you. When you’re ready, callback the pieces of you that were lost, taken, or given away.
Try this Callback mediation from Jessica Snow
9. Seek emancipatory spaces
Find or create spaces where you can be imperfect, honest, and evolving. Spaces where impact matters more than intent, where response-ability matters. Spaces where you’re not reminded to be grateful for basic respect and difficult conversations create a foundation for connection. These are sacred containers. Treasure them.
10. Practice boundaries
It is hard to practice self-worth when we undermine and devalue ourselves in relationships. Boundaries are not punishments. They are permissions. They return your energy to you, and show yourself, others, and the divine that you value your gifts and vitality.
11. Build an inner temple
Imagine or create an altar devoted to your worth. Fill it with images of little you, adolescent you, and even fierce future you. Add oranges, citrine, poems, honey, textures, and songs that remind you of your beauty, gifts, and worthiness. Return to this temple often. Bring the outcast or quiet parts of you. Welcome them with love and affection. This may become a space where you come for comfort or guidance during meditation and dreamwork. You may also mirror this temple by creating an altar IRL with the elements of your vision.
Start taking fierce selfies to complement your inner temple practice. Read about my selfie experiment on Substack in Self-worth is the bedrock I seek.
12. Reenchant your life
Reenchantment helps rebuild self-worth by making daily life feel meaningful, beautiful, and chosen — not performative. Bring beauty back. Speak your spells aloud. Adorn your space and your body. Notice the beauty and joy around you. Invoke Aphrodite and the Venusian. Let pleasure be part of your praxis. Become devoted to your desires, truth, and rhythm.
Explore a Venusian guide to self-worth and pleasure in Venus spell: the altar is you
Spellcast: remembering your worth
You will need:
- Mirror
- Candle (gold, pink, or white)
- Small object from childhood (a toy, photo, or symbol)
- Piece of fruit (orange, peach, fig, or anything that feels sensual, bright, and nourishing)
A spell for radiant self-worth
- Cast your circle or create sacred space
- Place the mirror in front of you. Light the candle
- Place the childhood object and the fruit beside the candle
- Look into the mirror and speak the words below (or make it yours)
- Eat the fruit slowly. Let sweetness be your medicine
I remember you.
I cherish you.
You are worthy of love, rest, pleasure, and power.
You are not here to prove your worth. You are here to live it.
I bless the child I was and the self I am becoming.
I welcome all parts of me into the temple of my life.
These are not quick fixes or linear steps. They are sacred returns to your softness, sovereignty, and truth. Self-worth isn’t something you earn or a performance. It’s something you remember, a homecoming.
