Decolonizing self-care

Self-care centers on superficiality and productivity. All of a sudden, wearing a face mask while writing emails, drinking a shake, and listening to a meditation feels imperative to my salvation and sanity. Yet, my inner child and the soft body that wants me to stop betraying myself and just pee when I have to pee are screaming bloody murder. Here are four beliefs in support of decolonizing self-care with sweetness and softness.

Self-care versus self-comfort

When I associate negatively with a phrase, I often must replace it entirely for my mind and body to integrate a new understanding. Semantics, perhaps—but connotation matters. I can’t stop thinking about this piece from Milk and Cookies. It starts with:

“There was a time when i thought self-care had to be loud—morning alarms at 5 am, skincare routines with 12 steps, planners filled with color-coded tasks… so instead of chasing a version of self-improvement that felt like a second job, i started looking for small, almost invisible things that made life feel softer. things that required no effort but still felt like care.”

No. 6 in Milk and Cookie’s post is about replacing self-care with self-comfort. I love this and think this is truly at the crux of decolonizing self-care:

“So instead of asking, “What should i do to take care of myself?” i started asking, “what would make me feel safe and cozy right now?” sometimes that means taking a long bath, but other times, it just means sitting on the floor for a while. or putting on an oversized sweater.”

There is something sticky about attuning to your body and what it needs in a given moment—rewilding yourself. Sometimes, self-care can even be a way of neglecting our bodies. Like, I am going to do this everything shower, hell or high water, even though my body just needs to lay down.

Decolonize self-care: 4 radical tenets

Moving from either/or dualistic thinking to both/and nondualistic ways of being has helped me immensely in reframing how I show up in the world and the love and acceptance I gift myself. This is a monumental shift worthy of an independent inquiry (later). I’ve been working with more layered tenets for decolonizing self-care:

Rewild yourself
Do less, go slow
Replace intellectualism with curiosity
Savor beauty

1. Rewild yourself

Turn back to your body. The ideas that the body is abhorrent, its base needs “feminine,” and that it should be conquered are timestamped with the patriarchy. Intellect and the mind are pathways to salvation and moral superiority—the body is a vehicle for productivity. Toxic mass marketing of self-care reinforces the imperative that your body and the self-care you practice should make you 1) more productive and 2) more aesthetically pleasing in a patriarchy. (Or else, what is the purpose of these efforts?)

Instead, treat the body as a sacred vessel and attune to her earthly needs.

Pee when you have to pee

Ignoring the body’s needs may seem trivial, but it’s deeply rooted in patriarchal conditioning. In On Our Best Behavior, Elise Loehnen explores this, noting two perspectives: one that sees the body as sacred and another that seeks to control and suppress it—often associating its “weakness” with femininity. Thinkers like Hobbes, Darwin, and Freud fell into the latter camp.

Loehnen shares the story of a lawyer who ignored her need to pee so often that she became incontinent—only realizing the extent of the damage when she unknowingly peed her pants while on a tour bus on vacation. Her takeaway? Balancing the divine masculine and feminine means honoring the body, not rejecting it. So yes, my list of 13 ideas to soften self-care starts with pee when you need to pee.

Let go of fixing

Another revolutionary part of rewilding: the concept of fixing is biased, colonized thinking. I learned this from wisdom teacher Ro Marlen, who quotes Carol Sanford, “Living systems don’t have problems.” I struggle with this one: when I learn about something new, especially around healing, I turn it into a system of self-flagellation. Learning about polyvagal theory quickly turns into I need to regulate my nervous system. Watch yourself if you are reading this and thinking, I can’t even get self-care right. I need to fix how I care for myself. This need to fix may be replaced with curiosity and permission to be.

2. Do less, go slow

I somatically learned this from my child, who can’t walk forty feet from the school to the car without stopping 17 times to look at rocks, bugs, trash, and plants. I resisted it for a long time. Now, I smile and try to see what he sees. Do less, and go slow has become a reminder (and my friend Karna often reminds me). Deeper, it is safe to do less and go slow. Take this even deeper and explore radical rest, the concept that “rest is resistance,” by Tricia Hersey.

If you have 15 minutes before your next meeting and could fold laundry, prep dinner, and reply to 3 emails—do nothing. Sit down and watch the leaves dancing on your Maple tree. Notice the teeny things, like sticks and moss and cream, swirling in your tea.

3. Replace intellectualism with curiosity

I am driven to understand the intellectual underpinnings of it all and conduct 200 Google searches on everything. Knowledge (outside of my body) and learning are moral attributes. Now, I’m playing with less “application” and more wonder. Just subtle noticing. Simple curiosity. Try it. Being curious and not seeking an answer or explanation still feels foreign and tense (mmm… interesting). I realized while writing this that this aligns with releasing a “fixing” mindset.

Where rewilding is learning the body’s language again, savoring beauty is listening, hearing, and feeling the poetry of the world around you.

4. Savor beauty

Let’s add another thread to this weaving—savor beauty. I am not talking about fascist beauty standards. I am talking about the sunshine on your face, taking a deep breath, a warm drink, distant sounds of children laughing, and birdsong. This is a gateway to present and reenchantment and may start with looking for the light, warmth, and beauty around you.