I’m just going to get to the heart of it: I thought having no boundaries was a condition of being loved, and I intensely feared being unlovable. Over the decades, my acquiescence led to illness and pain. The cost of self-betrayal and self-abandonment became too great, and I started learning how to build boundaries (and what they were). My fears came true when I set boundaries, but not because I was unlovable. With support, I withstood the quake of this shift, and the relationships standing are deep and capable—and do not require me to be someone else or give myself away. Here’s how to build boundaries and why they are essential to your self-worth.
Boundaries Create The Conditions For Intimacy
I’ve found boundaries create the most fertile conditions for intimacy. I used to believe that “knowing no bounds” and sharing everything meant intimacy, and I was hurt when people withheld parts of themselves. My wisdom now is that boundaries reflect that a person knows their limits, is self-aware and aware of others, and that respectful and slow connection brings deep caring.
Privacy is an example of a boundary that creates intimacy. I learned this the hard way, sabotaging female friendships and even creating tension in my marriage by sharing sensitive information outside of these relationships. At one point during our early marriage, my husband requested that I keep some details of our lives together private and “just for us.” I was offended at first but then realized it was an honest request for intimacy. That mattered to me, and I worked on it.
What Are Boundaries?
I grew up in an enmeshed family that did not model healthy boundaries, so I find examples of boundaries constructive. Often, what I thought were boundaries were just statements of expectations. For effective boundaries, couple language with behavioral modifications (i.e., action). Here are some examples:
Statement / Expectation: “You can’t talk to me like that.”
Boundary: “When you talk to me like that, I will not engage with you.”
Boundary With Love: “You must be hurting to talk to me like that. I’m going to take some space since you are struggling to keep your voice down. I care about your feelings and hope we can return to this conversation calmly later. Let me know when you’re ready.”
Statement / Expectation: “You can’t throw balls in the house.”
Boundary: “You’re struggling with keeping the ball grounded. I’ll put the ball away until after dinner.”
Boundary With Love: “Throwing balls in the house is dangerous. I can see that you are struggling to be around the ball without throwing it. I’ll put it away until after dinner. Then, I’ll go outside and throw the ball with you.”
*Credits: I learned the phrase “boundaries with love” and many other things about boundaries from Liv Karna Nau. The second example is a variation of a boundary setting I learned from Dr. Becky.
The Medicine of Boundaries
Ultimately, if you care about a person, you can implement what makes them feel safe and loved with words and actions, especially if they honor you by communicating those needs.
Explore how limiting beliefs may prevent you from setting boundaries.
Boundaries are a sign that a person is self-aware and knows their limits. It is also a prerequisite for relationships with healthy adults who know how to manage, navigate, and communicate their feelings and needs. For example, you can finally stop worrying if [insert name] is mad at you because 1) you know they will tell you if they are, and 2) if they are, you will work to repair with them.
“Safe people have no desire to overstep your bounds; they want to know how you feel. When you ask for space, thoughtful people may show curiosity or compassion, but they won’t react with pressure, arguments, or counteroffers. To a considerate person, everyone has the right to say no. But to egocentric people, no one has the right to turn them down.” —Lindsey Gibson, Self-Care For Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
*I recommend reading Lindsey Gibson’s Self-Care For Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents or any other book on emotional immaturity.
How To Build Boundaries
In retrospect, this process was revolutionary on a cellular level. I’m proud of that girl who swallowed her fear and used her voice anyway.
1. Boundaries Are For You
Boundaries are not to control or manipulate others. They are not meant to be coercive, threatening, or punishing. They establish what you need or what makes you feel safe, with a clear path for your action if your boundaries are unmet.
2. People’s Reactions To Your Boundaries Are About Them
Building upon the tenet above, other people’s reactions to your boundaries are usually about them. They matter because they reflect how others feel about themselves or how they can value your safety and well-being.
3. Spoken Boundaries Are a Sign of Hope
Spoken boundaries are a sign of hope and an opportunity for connection. They show goodwill, communication effort, and a desire for the other person’s respect, curiosity, acceptance, and action.
A person speaking a boundary is vulnerable. They share what they need to feel safe, comfortable, and loved. Consider the effort made as a sign of love and desire for secure engagement.
4. Behavioral Modifications Are Effective
I generally attempt to verbalize boundaries with people I love a few times or until I feel satisfied with my communication. Then, I reinforce them behaviorally unless the other person shows curiosity. Spoken boundaries accompanied by behavioral modifications are effective in healthy relationships. It is time to do something differently if you are communicating your boundaries and waiting for someone to listen (and feeling hopeless).
5. You Do Not Need To Justify or Explain
I learned this gem from my therapist, Rebecca Moravec: “No is a complete sentence.” If you find yourself justifying your boundaries or creating elaborate lies to meet your own needs, that is an invitation for reflection. Boundaries do not need an explanation to be honored. Boundaries with love may offer explanation or context, but they are reserved for healthy relationships or parent-child relationships.
6. Impact Matters More Than Intent
In my family of origin, bringing up a feeling, hurt, or boundary often morphed into a conversation about a person’s “good intent.” Invariably, this centered the conversation away from the person who felt hurt or uncomfortable.
In healthy, loving relationships, intent should already be a founding principle that does not require constant affirmation.
The continued need to validate intent can indicate other psychological or behavioral issues. (I get it that sometimes, being human and healing, we all need reassurance that others don’t think the worst of us when we have difficult conversations. If you need to affirm your intent, hold space for that discomfort and talk about it with someone other than the hurt person confiding in you.)
7. Boundaries Sift Out Emotionally Immature Adults
Enter the “smiling no” test. You say no with a confident smile, even to something benign or a request for attention, and see how the other person reacts.
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You can also use this tactic in other ways. Just get clear on what constitutes a healthy or unhealthy response for you. If you are sharing a hurt and resulting boundary or request, people who are healed and loving may say, “Tell me more” or “Let me gather my thoughts on this and come back to you,” but they will unequivocally never reply with:
- “You are out of line.”
- “How dare you…” and other aggressive or angry statements
- “My intent was…” with no follow-up about their impact or initiation of repair
- Negotiation tactics that are overtly transactional or coercive, “But if you do that, then I’ll do this” or “I won’t do that until you do this.”
- “I do so much for you…” or similar redirection
- Waterworks (tears) or storming off that decenter repair or intend to reverse caregiving, validation, and responsibility roles
- “We always have to tip-toe around you.”
- “You didn’t bring this up in the moment, so it doesn’t count now.”
8. Boundaries Are a Skill
Just like any skill, boundary setting (and respecting) requires practice, primarily if 1) they were not taught or modeled to you and 2) you learned that you were lovable if you were amenable or self-sacrificing (i.e., lacking boundaries).
9. Setting Boundaries May Be Messy (At First)
At first, I was not elegant at setting boundaries. It was messy. I was very direct or had an overwhelming physical response and needed space. Some people did not like this adjustment in my availability and approach.
10. Boundaries With Safe People Will Feel Spacious
I started my boundary journey by setting them with people who were not safe or capable of difficult conversations. They also didn’t know how to build or respect boundaries. I changed course and started finding safe people who could have these difficult conversations and create relationships with these terms introduced or baked in from the ground up.
Eventually, I found people who said, “Thank you for teaching me how you want to be treated.”
11. You Can Change Your Mind
The terms may change. What makes you feel safe and loved may change. Someone else’s ability to meet a boundary may change. Feelings may arise for both parties. With safe people, you can discuss all of these things.
12. It Is Okay To Speak Your Needs Later
I still have grief about all of this, for not having these skills earlier—for the things I gave away, that were lost, or were taken from me. I often have a delayed reaction to conflict due to conditioning and conflict avoidance. I give myself permission and grace to let my responses move at their own pace. You don’t have to bring up a boundary or grievance at any specific time, and someone asking why you didn’t bring it up at the time is inappropriate. In healthy relationships, you can bring things up years later.
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13. Repair Is Essential
Boundaries with safe people may feel spacious, but repair may still be needed. Repair is listening when you’ve hurt someone, validating their experience, integrating understanding of your impact, and making meaningful amends. If having boundaries feels foreign, then you may also not know what repair looks like. This is a skill unto itself. Stay tuned for more on how to respect boundaries.
14. Know When To Walk Away Or Play The “Inside Game”
Setting a boundary with another person may not always work, especially if they are a narcissist. They may ignore it, disrespect it, or use it against you. In this case, you can work on having strong internal boundaries (AKA Dr. Ramani’s “inside game”) or disengage by taking a break or going no-contact. Here’s what Dr. Ramani says about having boundaries with narcissists:
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Only you can know when the time is right for disengagement. If you are navigating this with longer-term relationships and your family of origin, I recommend seeking support in the form of therapy.
How To Build Boundaries: Go Slow and Observe
Think of boundary setting as a muscle and re-teach your nervous system, “Oh, this is what it is like to be in safe relationships. This is what it feels like in my body.”
Go slow and invite space when learning how to build boundaries. Observe how setting boundaries feels in your body and how people react to them. This is a skill that you can grow. In time, it will become second nature, and the responses you receive from the people around you will give you clarity or grace.
